Look, you all expect me to send notes of sympathy for your ex-boyfriend's mother-in-law's stepdad's hangnail issues, okay? On the internet, nothing is trivial, and we are all six degrees away from noshing down on cold cuts at a random funeral, apparently. So you can just sit here for five minutes and FEEL MY PAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!

(I have a hangnail right now and it hurts. It's on the left side of my left ring finger and is beginning to bug when I type.)

(That is not my main issue, but perhaps someone would like to start up a hug chain or something to ease my recovery.)

The first was back in February, when KC found a laptop at Overstock.com (our first mistake, I guess, was buying electronics online) for $450. He ordered it, we tracked the package, I did a little "I am getting a laptop omg squee!" dance every chance I got, and then the box was delivered with a laptop case and no laptop, though the shipping invoice said quite clearly that hey! I got a laptop and here it is! So I called and raised hell and they said sorry, you'll have to send it back, and we will refund your money, and I said what about my computer, and they said we're out of computers, and I said apparently you have one floating around your warehouse somewhere, and they said no we don't, and I said yes you do because mine is NOT HERE, and they said send back the case and they will refund my money, and I said I will not pay for shipping and I want the money now and ps, get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie.

That wouldn't be enough to keep me from shopping Overstock again, except I also hate their stupid commercials, so they can bite my fat white ass.

The other issue is wee. Well, as wee as an order of clothes from Jessica London can be. (Man. Fat jokes are depressingly easy to make. I love myself, internet! Please do not send an intervention team!)

Anyway. I bought a bunch of work clothes from Jessica London the other day. Oxford shirts and sweater sets and pants. Business casual preppy shit. I never got an email saying they were being shipped, but whatever; it was a nice surprise when I got home yesterday (as was the pleated plaid skirt KC bought as a present for hims...I mean, me. He's an odd duck, that one.)

So I got home and tore into the package like Leah on her birthday. There were the shirts, the sweaters...and one pair of pants. The second pair was nowhere to be seen. Well, maybe there was a backorder, I thought to myself, they were having a sale and sometimes availability is a crapshoot. So I check the invoice and it says my pair of light khakis had been shipped along with the rest of the order. I searched the bed, jacked Leah up against the wall and shook her down, stuck my head in the plastic bag...nothing.

I called customer service. The first lady says, "It's showing as shipped!"

"Ma'am, it shows that on my paperwork, too, but it is not here."

"I'll put you on with customer service."

"I thought you were c.." Beep boop click... Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold.

The CS rep in charge of crazy fat ladies with no clothes was very nice. She asked if I had received anything not in my order. Nope! Was it still in the box? Nope! Did it fall out when I unpacked it?

"Ma'am, the missing item is a pair of light-colored size 22 pants. I don't think they would be easy to overlook."

That earned me a chuckle (I won't venture a guess as to its qualities, though I detected a hint of "please god let Christmas get here soon") and she asked would I like a credit on my account. Sure. Do I want to buy the pants anyway and they will try to send them again?

Do I want to purchase a pair of chunk-style khakis? Well, no, but since I'm the lazy-ass with a penchant for anything that can be wrapped in white bread, deep-fried, and smothered in cheese, I'm going to have to suck it up and pretend they make me feel pretty. So. Can we keep on discussing my fat-girl angst, or will you just reorder my damn pants?

The pants are on the way.

So now I can concentrate on shopping for everyone else. I got a lot of stuff for Leah last night via Amazon. Art stuff and puzzles and a couple of other things. I took the day off so I could clean and pack for our trip to New York this weekend, and this afternoon when Leah is done school we're going to start shopping for KC.

Leah wants to get him a recording of "Do You Hear What I Hear?" so that "he can make up more words about FARTS!"

Which is another entry, for another time.