This may make me a drag queen.

I even love "Believe". It takes me back to a very specific time in my life; i.e., pulling over to the side of Route 9, breathing through a contraction, and then continuing home to take a nap during Animaniacs. (See also: my weird affection for Eagle Eye Cherry and "Save Tonight", as well as Leah's narrow escape from the middle name "Iris".)

But I am not here to talk about Cher, though I will add one more thing; I am very sad she is not dancing around in a thong on troop ships anymore and then going home to her twenty-year-old boyfriend. On the other hand, she seems to be aging slightly more gracefully than Madonna, though I like her okay too.

No, I was channel-surfing just now and found a movie showing with my other favorite maligned celebrity.

Whoopi Goldberg.

I love Whoopi. I have loved Whoopi since I was twelve (?) years old and she did that special with Carol Burnett and Robin Williams and...shit, who was the other one? Remember that one? It was called "Blank and Carol and Robin & Whoopi", or something? Anyway, I loved that, because in my heart I am sixty years old and still missing the Carol Burnett show. But I still love Whoopi, (which I keep typing as "Whoppi") and for oh so many reasons.

1. Celie. Even before she shrieks, "NETTIIIIIIIIE!" at the end I am sobbing just waiting for it. (Not as much as when Mister sends Nettie away, but since that's when it's Young Celie it doesn't count here. Oh, god, though, when young Celie is calling out, "Write..." Um. I need a moment.)

2. Guinan. Yeah, I know, whatever. Look, the woman has no eyebrows and she made it work for her.

3. Sister Mary Clarence. Oh, shut up. I will stand up before the multitudes and confess: The scene where the choir busts out with "Hail Holy Queen" is one of my all-time favorite movie scenes ever. Ever. It even beats Mommie Dearest and "I...am..not...one of your...FAAAAAAAAAAAANS!" (See? Drag queen. Told you.)

Though it never fails. For years now, when they sing the line "Mater, o mater intemerata" I always want to sing "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto".

Everyone always makes fun of Whoopi, and let's face it, she can make it pretty easy. But I don't care. She's been in some stinkers, as I just saw when I looked at her IMDB listing. (A-ha! It was "Carol, Carl, Whoopi, & Robin"! I am sorry, Carl Reiner. Also, it was 1987, which would've made me fifteen, but since I had elf boots, layered socks, and thought Maybelline contour blush made me hot, I still get a pass on my taste, thank you.)

But it's one of those things, I guess, where no matter what happens, you still base everything on your first impression. My first impression was that she was this amazing woman who was not standard Hollywood pretty, but she was funny and she could really work it, and then I saw The Color Purple and it blew me away. I'll forgive a lot of people a lot of things due to that movie. Oprah, I am looking at you.

Mind you, first impressions don't always carry me through till the bitter end. Exhibit A: Christian Slater, who was a golden god to me in college, and now is kind of skanky and also, bears a striking resemblance to Paul Reiser. No, seriously. Watch the Heathers extras some time. Paul Reiser. I predict an extended guest run on Stacked in the near future.

I guess the key question is really "Would I forgive them for appearing on Hollywood Squares?" If the answer is yes, then you have me for life.

Sorry, James Marsters, you're in the Waylon Flowers and Madame corner. I still think you were very pretty as Spike, however. Try not to lose any sleep.